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Monday, February 27, 2006

Dear Starbucks, I Hate Your Guts

Dear Starbucks,

You suck.

You are a fake and everything you stand for is bullshit. Even your name is fake, you ripped it off from Battlestar Galactica from twenty years ago.

If you're the number one seller of coffee in the world, learn how to roast your freakin' beans loser. I have to tell you, your coffee, it really sucks. Not that I've ever paid for it, but I've taken a few free sips and it taste like burnt piss (not that I've had burnt piss, but after tasting your coffee its not hard to imagine).

And what the hell is a Venti? In America its called a large, so F*&K YOU!!, We're not in Turino bitch! Screw you and your fancy coffee lingo. It pains me when I see brainwashed office dorks come into "our" local coffeehouse and order a Grande Frappucino. They just need to be slapped, and violently at that (Wake Up Bitch!) .Well, at least our local coffeehouse has it right, when they hear your Fascist war code, this group of well educated kids becomes instantly deaf and dumb. How pleasant....

Yeah, the "Boyz" can usually tell when they get some of your Starbucks runoff. Your fake ass Prada carrying customers can't fool these college kids, they can smell them coming a mile away. The only reason they come in anyways is cause there's no Starbucks in the neighborhood. Not like they'd ever encounter them in another social situation anyways.

I feel sorry for the people that can't see through your b.s. , but I do and I refuse to give you even one penny of my money. I would rather make the ultimate sacrifice, death by Caffeine withdrawal.

Anyways bastard, if it looks like I'm just picking on everything you do, you're absolutely wrong... I actually think you have some of the cleanest restrooms in the food service industry. There, give credit where credit is due, I prefer your restrooms over Mc Donalds anyday. I commend you on your lavatory facilities and their maintanence. But as long you maintain your predatory business practices, you'll never in my lifetime here the words....

I'll have a burnt piss please......... and make it a Venti

30 Comments:

Anonymous Kirk said...

Ouch! I was wondering when you were going to do this......

10:34 AM  
Blogger rick james said...

yeah, i know too many coffeehouses that went out of business cause of them... fight the power..

11:17 AM  
Blogger Daily Gluttony said...

whoa whoa whoa, i've never seen this side of you, dccf!

i am guilty of picking up a "starsucks" coffee every once in a blue moon for convenience sake, but you're right, we gotta fight for the little guys!

5:46 PM  
Blogger Passionate Eater said...

And they have the gall to put a tip jar by the counter! They don't think they rob us blind already!?

I agree with your "burnt piss" description. Dunkin Donuts has the best coffee in the world, hands-down, and they don't act all pretentious like Starbucks.

8:58 PM  
Blogger rick james said...

dg,
sorry to stun you like that... LOL.. i kinda got fired up over this one...

i don't mind driving around for 10-15 minutes to find a caffeine fix, thank goodness McD's, Carls Jr., and Jack in the Crack have upped their game on the coffee thing... all their coffee is pretty damn good now and way better than starsucks..

pe, thanks for stopping by and sharing the "hatred" of the "burnt piss"... LOL

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3:37 PM  
Blogger The Daily Rant said...

I agree with you on the burnt piss taste....ok, I've never had burnt piss either - but their coffee definitely tastes like it came from the "old pot" left on the back burner in an office somewhere. Disgusting.

Try SBC - Seattle's Best Coffee. When I lived in Seattle, this was my bean of choice. In fact, Target now sells SBC - check it out.

As far as the "Venti" - I don't want you to think I'm getting all "smarty pants" over here, but it means "Twenty" in Italian....and that cup, is a 20 oz. drink.

Voila! Mystery solved. LOL

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