Monday, February 27, 2006

Dear Starbucks, I Hate Your Guts

Dear Starbucks,

You suck.

You are a fake and everything you stand for is bullshit. Even your name is fake, you ripped it off from Battlestar Galactica from twenty years ago.

If you're the number one seller of coffee in the world, learn how to roast your freakin' beans loser. I have to tell you, your coffee, it really sucks. Not that I've ever paid for it, but I've taken a few free sips and it taste like burnt piss (not that I've had burnt piss, but after tasting your coffee its not hard to imagine).

And what the hell is a Venti? In America its called a large, so F*&K YOU!!, We're not in Turino bitch! Screw you and your fancy coffee lingo. It pains me when I see brainwashed office dorks come into "our" local coffeehouse and order a Grande Frappucino. They just need to be slapped, and violently at that (Wake Up Bitch!) .Well, at least our local coffeehouse has it right, when they hear your Fascist war code, this group of well educated kids becomes instantly deaf and dumb. How pleasant....

Yeah, the "Boyz" can usually tell when they get some of your Starbucks runoff. Your fake ass Prada carrying customers can't fool these college kids, they can smell them coming a mile away. The only reason they come in anyways is cause there's no Starbucks in the neighborhood. Not like they'd ever encounter them in another social situation anyways.

I feel sorry for the people that can't see through your b.s. , but I do and I refuse to give you even one penny of my money. I would rather make the ultimate sacrifice, death by Caffeine withdrawal.

Anyways bastard, if it looks like I'm just picking on everything you do, you're absolutely wrong... I actually think you have some of the cleanest restrooms in the food service industry. There, give credit where credit is due, I prefer your restrooms over Mc Donalds anyday. I commend you on your lavatory facilities and their maintanence. But as long you maintain your predatory business practices, you'll never in my lifetime here the words....

I'll have a burnt piss please......... and make it a Venti

Monday, February 20, 2006

Rickey Henderson.... Man I Miss Him!!!!

Sports just isn't the same without the characters they used to have... Reggie, Barkley, Terry Bradshaw, Lester Hayes.. they're all gone now and sports couldn't be anymore boring.

One of the guys I missed the most was Rickey. Forget he is a first ballot hall of famer, its the "Rickey" off the field I miss the most.

Rickey, also known as Rickey Henderson, was classic. If you've never heard him speak, you really missed out on a piece of life. The stuff that would come out of his mouth was truly unforgettable. There will never be another Rickey Henderson.

Anyhow, here's a great compilation of "Rickeyisms", so you can better understand about the man, the myth, the living Legend himself...

Rickey once proclaimed he was the "Greatest of All Time"... well, honestly I can't disagree with him, I mean read these things... how could you make this stuff up??

Rickey Being Rickey

A comment posted earlier today requested some Rickey Henderson third-person quotes. Instead, though, we’ve decided the loyal readers of Sheriff Sully deserved something more.

Just for the record, I believe the two most underrated baseball players of all-time are Hank Aaron and Rickey Henderson. Look at their career numbers sometime. They’re insane.

Here now, in no particular order, are my top 25 Rickey Henderson quotes/stories:

(For those who might not know, Henderson is still playing professional baseball for the independent San Diego Surf Dawgs. In 73 games, he’s batting .270 with an on-base percentage of .456 and 16 stolen bases in 18 attempts. He’ll turn 47 years old this Christmas.)

1) Rickey… on referring to himself in the third person:

“Listen, people are always saying, ‘Rickey says Rickey.’ But it’s been blown way out of proportion. People might catch me, when they know I’m ticked off, saying, ‘Rickey, what the heck are you doing, Rickey?’ They say, ‘Darn, Rickey, what are you saying Rickey for? Why don’t you just say, ‘I?’ But I never did. I always said, ‘Rickey,’ and it became something for people to joke about.”

2) In the early 1980s, the Oakland A’s accounting department was freaking out. The books were off $1 million. After an investigation, it was determined Rickey was the reason why. The GM asked him about a $1 million bonus he had received and Rickey said instead of cashing it, he framed it and hung it on a wall at his house.

3) In 1996, Henderson’s first season with San Diego, he boarded the team bus and was looking for a seat. Steve Finley said, “You have tenure, sit wherever you want.” Henderson looked at Finley and said, “Ten years? Ricky’s been playing at least 16, 17 years.”

4) This one might be my second favorite. This wasn’t too long ago, I think it was the year he ended up playing with the Red Sox. Anyway, he called San Diego GM Kevin Towers and left the following message: “This is Rickey calling on behalf of Rickey. Rickey wants to play baseball.”

5) This one happened in Seattle. Rickey struck out and as the next batter was walking past him, he heard Henderson say, “Don’t worry, Rickey, you’re still the best.”

6) Rickey once asked a teammate how long it would take him to drive to the Dominican Republic.

7) Moments after breaking Lou Brock’s stolen base record, Henderson told the crowd – with Brock mere feet next to him – “Lou Brock was a great base stealer, but today, I am the greatest of all-time.”

8) Henderson once fell asleep on an ice pack and got frostbite – which forced him to miss three games — in mid-August.

9) A reporter asked Henderson if Ken Caminiti’s estimate that 50 percent of Major League players were taking steroids was accurate. His response was, “Well, Rickey’s not one of them, so that’s 49 percent right there.”

10) Henderson broke Ty Cobb’s career record for runs scored with a home run. After taking his usual 45 seconds or so around the bases, Rickey slid into home plate.

11) On being Nolan Ryan’s 5,000th career strikeout: “It gave me no chance. He (Ryan) just blew it by me. But it’s an honor. I’ll have another paragraph in all the baseball books. I’m already in the books three or four times.”

12) San Diego GM Kevin Towers was trying to contact Rickey at a nearby hotel. He knew Henderson always used fake names to avoid the press, fans, etc. He was trying to think like Rickey and after several attempts; he was able to get Henderson on the phone.

Rickey had checked in under Richard Pryor.

13) I didn’t believe this one at first. However, I emailed a few contacts within the Sox organization and they claim it actually happened. This is priceless, it really is.

The morning after the Sox finished off the sweep against St. Louis last October, Henderson called someone in the organization looking for tickets to Game 6 at Fenway Park.

14) The Mets were staying in a hotel less than a mile from Cinergy Field in Cincinnati. While some players walked, most took the team bus. A few minutes after they arrived — again it was less than a mile – the last players off the bus noticed a stretched limo that had just pulled up.

Of course, Rickey emerged from the back seat.

15) A reporter once asked Rickey if he talked to himself, “Do I talk to myself? No, I just remind myself of what I’m trying to do. You know, I never answer myself so how can I be talking to myself?”

16) OK, I know everyone has been waiting for it. Alas, according to both parties involved, it’s not true. I wish it were. Heck, both Rickey Henderson and John Olerud have said they wish it were true. But it just didn’t happen.

The story went that a few weeks into Henderson’s stint with the Mariners, he walked up to Olerud at the batting cage and asked him why he wore a batting helmet in the field. Olerud explained that he had an aneurysm at nine years old and he wore the helmet for protection. Legend goes that Henderson said, “Yeah, I used to play with a guy that had the same thing.”

Legend also goes that Olerud said, “That was me, Rickey.”

Henderson played with Olerud on the Blue Jays and the Mets.

17) Rickey was asked if he had the Garth Brooks album with Friends in Low Places and Henderson said, “Rickey doesn’t have albums. Rickey has CDs.”

18) During a contract holdout with Oakland in the early 1990s, Henderson said, “If they want to pay me like Mike Gallego, I’ll play like Gallego.”

19) In the late 1980s, the Yankees sent Henderson a six-figure bonus check. After a few months passed, an internal audit revealed the check had not been cashed. Current Yankees GM Brian Cashman – then a low-level nobody with the organization – called Rickey and asked if there was a problem with the check. Henderson said, “I’m just waiting for the money market rates to go up.”

20) In June 1999, when Henderson was playing with the Mets, he saw reporters running around the clubhouse before a game. He asked a teammate what was going on and he was told that Tom Robson, the team’s hitting coach, had just been fired. Henderson said, “Who’s he?”

21) This is my all-time favorite. Rickey was pulled over by a San Diego police officer for speeding. As the officer was approaching Rickey’s car, the window went down a few inches and a folded $100 bill emerged. The officer let Rickey and his money head home without a ticket.

22) When he was on the Yankees in the mid-1980s, Henderson told teammates that his condo had such a great view that he could see, “The Entire State Building.”

23) During one of his stays with Oakland, Henderson’s locker was next to Billy Beane’s. After making the team out of spring training, Beane was sent to the minors after a few months. Upon his return, about six weeks later, Henderson looked at Beane and said, “Hey, man, where have you been? Haven’t seen you in awhile.”

24) To this day and dating back 25 years, before every game he plays, Henderson stands completely naked in front of a full length locker room mirror and says, “Ricky’s the best,” for several minutes.

25) In the last week of his lone season with the Red Sox, Chairman Tom Werner asked Henderson what he would like for his ‘going-away’ gift. Henderson said he wasn’t going anywhere, but he would like owner John Henry’s Mercedes. Werner said it would be tough to get the same make and model in less than a week and Henderson said, “No, I want his car.” Turns out the Sox got Henderson a Red Thunderbird and when he saw it on the field before the last game of the season, Rickey said, “Whose ugly car is on the field?”

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Braised - 100% Satisfaction Rating

I saw DG's post on braising and it made me think... for once...

I can honestly say that in my whole life, i've never ever had a bad meal that was braised. Its always been a good experience for me, so subconciously, whenever I see the word "braised" on the menu I don't think, I just order it cause I know its gonna be hella good and I won't be disappointed. I really don't even know what the hell braised means, but all I know is I've been happy when leaving the restaurant.

In my little world, the definition of braised means something like "Crockpotted" or long simmering for like weeks till that shit falls off the bones... but thats just my little planet definition. And you know what, I really don't care as long as the satisfaction percentage, 100% remains the same.

100%. wow.

now thats impressive. Kobe scored 81 awhile back, pretty damn good, but he shot like 60%.

Yeah, Kobe was good that night, but you know what he just can't touch "Braised"... 100% baby!

If JD Power did a satisfaction report "Braised" would kick ass over Lexus and Acura!

in my opinion "braised" on a meal to meal basis beats the shit out of all comers... Sauteed, Grilled, Boiled, Broiled, Flambayed, Deep Fried, Stir Fried, and Barbecued hands down.

In my eyes, the only competition "Braised" might have would be "Stewed" or "Deep Fried", but they're like way ,way behind kinda like how Peyton Manning always gets his ass kicked by Tom Brady and the Patriots.

Anyways, I don't know if its just me with this 100% satisfaction rating cause yes, i know i am a freak, but I'd like to know how many others share this feeling. or maybe you just didn't realize what a superstar "Braised" really is............. hmmmmm......

Monday, February 13, 2006

Bye Bye Hawaiian Pineapples..... The Extinction of Food

Last week. Del Monte announced it was shutting its pineapple plantations down in Hawaii due to inability to be competitive in the world market.

So you say, what the hell is going on?

unfortunately........ basic econ 301

Anyways, its sad to say, but 20 years from now you can probably tell your kids that you remember the days when Hawaii USED to grow pineapples on the island.

So where I'm getting at is last year, I was down in Waikiki for my friend's wedding right. So I'm thinking hey, there's gonna be a lot of bad ass Hawaiian food to eat, but I just have to be patient pick my spots and find the good local places. Should be easy, cause this is the birthplace of one of my best friends, Mr. Spam Musubi. Well I did the local thing and we went to Rainbow Drive Inn and bunch of the other "recommended" local places and you know what, THEY SUCKED!!!

I was walking around f&^%ing Waikiki for one hour looking for a damn Spam Musubi at every mom and pop shop and fast food joint within a 3 mile radius of Ala Moana Blvd.......I finally gave up and walked into an L&L's (cause we have em in L.A., but I didn't give a shit anymore) I said, "hey dude, you don't have any Spam Musubi's on your menu" and he was like "that's because we don't serve it" and I was like "what, I must be losin it cause I thought I heard you say you don't serve Spam Musubi here". And he was like, "yup that's what I said".. I was in shock... but this is L&L's................. in Waikiki!!! They have em in the L&L's in L.A.... What the F*&k??????

The term "Gentrification" used for crappy neighborhoods being rejuvenated at the expense of the poor....... I had never seen it done on a food level before, but putting my shitty ass USC business degree into gear I realized it was all a basic economics issue....

Spam Musubi at a dollar a pop had been pushed out of Waikiki for good, it had become a "commodity"... At a buck a pop the Musubis were replaced by Mr. Spam and Eggs at 4 bucks a pop. With real estate so expensive its become economically unfeasible to have Spam Musubi on your menu at that price, so its gone just like the Hawaiian pineapples will be in a few more years... ;(

well anyways, after a long, depressing walk I finally found a Spam Musubi............. at the food mart of the F*^&ing Shell Gas Station. Anyways, after hours of searching I was gonna eat that shit even if it was the crappiest Spam Musubi I've ever had, I didn't give a shit anymore.......... Well...... it was easily, the crappiest Spam Musubi I ever had. The rice was all freaking hard and the Spam was all thin , dried and sunburned from that damn 300 Watt U.V. heat lamp sucking the life out of it. It was a dollar and I thought I'd never thought I'd say this from something that cost me a dollar, but they ripped my ass off! It was terrible. Hawaii was a just a bad food experience for me, but an excellent lesson in............. blah........... economics...

Yeah, I went to Alan Wong's (expensive, but good) and Zippy's and some other local places, but overall I have to say the food in Waikiki sucks, most of my L.A. friends would agree with me too..... Bruddah's in ghetto ass Gardena is way better than the food in Waikiki anyday...

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Spamku's... Haikus about Spam, what could be better?

wrote a few myself... not very good... these are better, from some MIT students

SPAM lies uneaten
The milk is slowly curdling
Dead man on the floor

I told a close friend
About my SPAM obsession.
He hasn't called since.

Tap, tap goes the spoon
On the metal can. Inside,
Is the SPAM dancing?

I cried when I saw
A man who had no SPAM, but
Then I tasted some.

I return in a blue can

oh meat-like morsel
so uniform and saline
do you dream of teeth?

Served raw on white bread
or heated using Sterno.
Too many choices.

A young pig is born--
a life full of potential.
Cut short by Hormel.

millions die in Chad
U.S. sends Spam over night
millions die in Chad

Awakened at night.
Cold sweat. Dreams of screaming pigs.
SPAM farmer repents.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

The Honey Lady of Ice House Canyon... How People Used to Be

Once in a while a friend will ask a normal question like "Hey, if you could be anywhere for a vacation right now, where would you be?" and of course being the weirdo that I am, I would probably respond with something retarded like Sapporo, Japan 1972 or Montreal, Canada 1967.. and of course my friend would look at me like I'm on crack and say.... "What the hell are you talking about?"

Well what I'm talking about is I'd like to experience the "people" of a certain place and time, more so, than just a geographical location... for example, this is just pure speculation, but I would have loved to visit Italy in the 60's for sure, and I'm sure the people are all still pretty nice, but times have changed since then... I'll put my money on the 60's...

Anyways, this past weekend something really bizarre happened. We entered the Twilight Zone and hit a time warp and went "Back To The Future".... ???

What happened? Well, my good friend Matt and I decided we needed to get off our fat asses and get some hiking in to start the New Year off right. Sure, no brainer.... lets go to Ice House Canyon, near Mt Baldy, pound for pound the best hike in Southern California because it starts with beautiful running water and continues all the way till the end of it... "see best hike in l.a." sidebar/directions.

So, like my Alzheimer ass always does, I forgot something... my daypass, I have like 10 at home, but now I have to spend 5 bucks because I'm retarded and didn't remember to bring one... so we go to the Ranger's station and its closed, but I tell Matt.. "Its okay, we can get one from the Honey Lady" he looks at me like I just took my lips off a bong or something..... "She sells honey from her house and sells the passes for the ranger"... Matt has the Oh.... interesting... look on his face...

I remember years back, when I first started coming up to Ice House there was an older couple, a friendly gentleman and lady who used to sell the day passes. I recently heard that the gentleman had passed away and the lady now lived alone. It was sad to hear cause I remembered he was a very nice gentleman, the few times I had purchased a pass from him.

So, as we walk up there is cardtable and tablecloth with nice displays of honey. Honey in the clear plastic bear bottle, honey in the old fashioned jars, and even real honey comb... about 6 bucks for each item, not a bad deal at all for real unprocessed honey.... Matt wanted one to take home to his wonderful wife, Shawn. We knocked on the door and the sweet old lady with curlers in her hair and makeup by Tammy Faye Baker came tumbling through the screen door. "Good Morning!" she said and she brought out the day passes with her and starts talking to us like we've been friends for decades.

She says, "here" and takes a spoonful of honey and gives Matt and I a taste of it.... Oh my goodness, I'm not kidding you, Matt and I just look at each other like this is the best thing we've tasted in a long, long time... If you've never had pure, unfiltered, pasteurized honey... Man are you missing out!!!! It was freakin outstanding!!!!!! Matt looked frazzled cause he really wanted the honey, but we needed the day pass also... now this shouldn't be an issue with normal people, but being the city slickers we are, assuming credit is always the preffered choice of exchange we barely had like 11 dollars between the two of us.... duh...

so, Matt asks her... uh, do you take credit cards? The Honey Lady says "Nope, I only take three forms of payment....... cash, checks and " get this........ are you holding onto your seats..... I.O.U.'s... from a complete stranger............ our mouths just dropped.....

I knew we were in a time warp for sure.... where did this lady come from? doesn't she know you can't trust people? doesn't she know we should be submitting a driver's license, social security, and AMC movie watcher card for any minimum purchase? what's wrong with you Honey Lady????????????

You know what..... Nothing is wrong with you Honey Lady........... its everyone else that's messed up, not you. Thank you so much for letting me experience what life was like when people still trusted people, when kids could go trick or treating without fear of being poisoned, and you could throw your bike down on the front lawn without it being gone 15 minutes later. Thank you so much for taking us back to a place that I thought I could never go back to.... What a joy.....

What a beautiful day this was.... Matt got his real unfiltered honey and we got our pass. BTW, each visit comes with a warm hug from the Honey Lady as well. I will definitely be back for the best tasting honey in Southern California, but really.......... I just want to go back to feel normal again..... Oh, the hike... it was beautiful as usual, but it didn't really matter anymore cause the Honey Lady made the weekend truly memorable...